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rank1[And we're streaming! The video file is horizontal, but don't let that leave you with the impression that this is going to be any better than your average rookie Instagram reel.]
Wait, we're rolling? Why didn't you say anything? Honestly....
Just go for it!
[Ena stands up straighter, fussing with her bangs in hopes they'll better frame her face. The abandoned alleyway they're filming in isn't the most picturesque location, but that's no excuse. Someone has to be cute here.]
I'm Ena Shinonome. It's nice to meet you. [A polite bow.] We have a dress policy that's kind of lame, but at least you've got options. [She counts off each option as she explains:] A black suit with a tie, a nice blouse and a skirt, or a dress. If you're wearing a shirt, it has to be collared, but can have any pattern you want. And you can accessorize however you want so you can make it cute. Oh, and you'll have to wear this no matter what you decide to wear.
[She unclasps a pin from her collar and holds it up for the camera. Ja-jaaaaaan. Your very own Shuten badge! It allows you to control Pokémon up to level 30.]
The dress code's enforced, [Ena pulls a face; god, this uniform thing sucks––] and you might get beaten up if you complain about it too much. I think that happened to a guy last time we got new people...?
[Ominous!
There's some muffled noise and blurring as the camera clumsily changes hands; from offscreen a muted voice, apparently recorded on accident:]
Wasn't that him?
Come on, bro.
[Hard cut, and the view switches to Kazuma, who looks pretty awkward standing there stiffly with his arms folded. He looks mildly startled that it's his turn already. Apparently they didn't really practice this.]
Uh--faction lieutenants. Faction lieutenants are Okada Izo, Goro Majima, Hizen Tadahiro, Bishop, Felix Frar--Fla--Fraldarius!--and Dante.
[He suddenly looks really pained by something, but nevertheless soldiers defiantly onward.]
Junior officers are Haru Okumura, Lio Fotia, Sha Gojyo, and Minato Suizenji. Find them if you have any questions. Clothing is available at the offices and weapons at the arena if you need them. We're recording this again, right?
[Apparently not! The video hard cuts and changes focus again, this time to the last member of their unfortunate little group project. Travis is wearing the uniform. Sort of. The pants are a little too tight, and his tie is crooked, but that there is the uniform. He stands with his thumbs hooked into his belt loops. His mirrored aviators obscure his eyes entirely.
He says, dead serious:]
Shopping.
I know what you're thinking. [Air quotes:] "I came all the way to Hell just to get a lesson in shopping?" Look, I didn't pick the topic, just roll with me here.
All that curse shit created a lot of problems in our territory, right? If you're new, don't worry about it, it was before your time. All you need to know is that it messed up a lot of the local businesses real bad, and we had to spend a couple weeks beating off hotheaded opportunists with sticks just to rebuild.
[He pauses and beckons for Ena to bring the camera closer. Closer. Yeah, closer than that. Still closer–– yeah, that's good. Here's close-up of Travis's wolfish grin, the rest of his face mostly out of frame.]
It was a pain in the ass. We can't let the small local businesses go through that shit again. It's just not fuckin' sporting.
So Shuten businesses are the ones that need your coin. Only Shuten. You wanna buy a sweet new jacket, new kicks, one of those sick automated toilet seats that washes all your holes and plays a nice jingle so no one hears the splash? Keep it local or someone will come spend it for you.
[Wait, is that actually a rule? Nah, he just thought it sounded cool.
Travis gives a jaunty little wave and the video ends.
There are four minutes of credits, all the same three names, accompanied by an excerpt from Lemon Demon's "Knife Fight".]
Wait, we're rolling? Why didn't you say anything? Honestly....
Just go for it!
[Ena stands up straighter, fussing with her bangs in hopes they'll better frame her face. The abandoned alleyway they're filming in isn't the most picturesque location, but that's no excuse. Someone has to be cute here.]
I'm Ena Shinonome. It's nice to meet you. [A polite bow.] We have a dress policy that's kind of lame, but at least you've got options. [She counts off each option as she explains:] A black suit with a tie, a nice blouse and a skirt, or a dress. If you're wearing a shirt, it has to be collared, but can have any pattern you want. And you can accessorize however you want so you can make it cute. Oh, and you'll have to wear this no matter what you decide to wear.
[She unclasps a pin from her collar and holds it up for the camera. Ja-jaaaaaan. Your very own Shuten badge! It allows you to control Pokémon up to level 30.]
The dress code's enforced, [Ena pulls a face; god, this uniform thing sucks––] and you might get beaten up if you complain about it too much. I think that happened to a guy last time we got new people...?
[Ominous!
There's some muffled noise and blurring as the camera clumsily changes hands; from offscreen a muted voice, apparently recorded on accident:]
Wasn't that him?
Come on, bro.
[Hard cut, and the view switches to Kazuma, who looks pretty awkward standing there stiffly with his arms folded. He looks mildly startled that it's his turn already. Apparently they didn't really practice this.]
Uh--faction lieutenants. Faction lieutenants are Okada Izo, Goro Majima, Hizen Tadahiro, Bishop, Felix Frar--Fla--Fraldarius!--and Dante.
[He suddenly looks really pained by something, but nevertheless soldiers defiantly onward.]
Junior officers are Haru Okumura, Lio Fotia, Sha Gojyo, and Minato Suizenji. Find them if you have any questions. Clothing is available at the offices and weapons at the arena if you need them. We're recording this again, right?
[Apparently not! The video hard cuts and changes focus again, this time to the last member of their unfortunate little group project. Travis is wearing the uniform. Sort of. The pants are a little too tight, and his tie is crooked, but that there is the uniform. He stands with his thumbs hooked into his belt loops. His mirrored aviators obscure his eyes entirely.
He says, dead serious:]
Shopping.
I know what you're thinking. [Air quotes:] "I came all the way to Hell just to get a lesson in shopping?" Look, I didn't pick the topic, just roll with me here.
All that curse shit created a lot of problems in our territory, right? If you're new, don't worry about it, it was before your time. All you need to know is that it messed up a lot of the local businesses real bad, and we had to spend a couple weeks beating off hotheaded opportunists with sticks just to rebuild.
[He pauses and beckons for Ena to bring the camera closer. Closer. Yeah, closer than that. Still closer–– yeah, that's good. Here's close-up of Travis's wolfish grin, the rest of his face mostly out of frame.]
It was a pain in the ass. We can't let the small local businesses go through that shit again. It's just not fuckin' sporting.
So Shuten businesses are the ones that need your coin. Only Shuten. You wanna buy a sweet new jacket, new kicks, one of those sick automated toilet seats that washes all your holes and plays a nice jingle so no one hears the splash? Keep it local or someone will come spend it for you.
[Wait, is that actually a rule? Nah, he just thought it sounded cool.
Travis gives a jaunty little wave and the video ends.
There are four minutes of credits, all the same three names, accompanied by an excerpt from Lemon Demon's "Knife Fight".]
Tags:
- ace attorney: kazuma asogi,
- fire emblem: felix hugo fraldarius,
- hashihime: minato suizenji,
- no more heroes: kamui uehara,
- no more heroes: travis touchdown,
- original: crimson horizon tsubaki (exalt,
- original: sheliak saarela,
- persona: haru okumura,
- project sekai: ena shinonome,
- rise of the tmnt: leonardo,
- tokyo revengers: takemichi hanagaki,
- yakuza: majima goro
